God’s Grievous Goofs
By Walt Noot
I know the title will turn lots of folks off but you should hear me out and ponder the merits of my arguments.
The Human Body:
The human body is often described as a marvel. In many cases it can heal itself, it can produce the miracle of life, it has a brain that allows for critical thinking, and opposable thumbs that make me very happy. BUT, if you think of it with any degree of second guessing, it’s obvious that there are many design flaws. God should have thought this out a little better. For example, I contend all bodily fluids and waste should be totally recyclable, eliminating the need for disgusting orifices and the need to urinate. How great would it be if there were no location to perform a colonoscopy or a prostate exam? I do have to give credit for how he conceived (pardon the pun) what parts of the body go where in the act of working on procreation. He must have thought a great deal about that because I can’t imagine a better recipe.
As it does now, that hole under your nose should serve as the intake mechanism for consuming the materials for the aforementioned recycling process. And this should only be a one-way street. The return of anything eaten or imbibed should not be allowed to return the way it came in. Severe tire damage caution for return trips. Recycle, recycle, and recycle. No more hangovers had God given this some serious thought. Also, God might have made our systems to survive on twinkies, sodas, beer, chips, and pizzas without being punished by ever expanding waistlines.
Included in the realm of unfair, keeping with the design flaw theory, is the horrible price women must pay to give birth. The havoc pregnancy wreaks on the body and mind is really unforgivable. A little tweaking by God might have yielded the creation of a pod where the baby can form outside of the womb. The mom could maintain her shape and the child wouldn’t be cradled in darkness for nine months. Better yet, babies after incubation, should arrive house broken which of course they would be if the recycle thing had been adopted. And why, pray tell, can’t they come with instructions or at least the ability to talk at least a little… and reason? Think of the incredible savings. No more diapers, butt cream, wipes, speak and play, burping towels, alphabet cereal and so on.
I also contend that a truly benevolent God would have considered what mankind has to endure in the aging process. Why should we, in our old age, want to avoid reflective surfaces? How cruel is hair loss, teeth falling out, age spots, incontinence, aches and pains, failing hearing, memory loss, or skin that not only blotches but gives you the appearance of a Shar pei? Seems when you are old the check engine light is always on. How about we are all born with an expiration or use by date? Everyone should live the same number of years, however many years God decides. Maybe we shouldn’t let him decide that in light of the snafus already committed. Just think of it. If we all knew when our time was up, and of course there would be no tragic deaths, we would all be ready to go. Naturally, the aging process should stop around age thirty. We wouldn’t have to suffer the indignities of the flawed way in which this is currently being done. And how about ugly people? If you are good looking or even just average your life is way different from that of ugly people. I won’t tell you how I know this. Pretty people in general get better jobs, more promotions, and are typically given more credence for their opinions simply because their features are more pleasing to the eye. Taller people have the same advantages. So, if you are short and ugly your life is doomed to be much less glamorous or successful than your tall pretty peers. Perhaps we could start a petition drive to get God to see the error of his ways.
How much simpler would life be had we all been programmed to speak one worldwide universal language? For example, who other than the Chinese, can make head or tales out of their writing? It all looks like a chicken stepped on an ink well and proceeded to run over the paper. Same holds true for all the other languages that inexplicably use what looks like spastic stick figures as their alphabet. I’m not so provincial as to expect English be that language but hey, it works quite well once you get past all the irregularities.
How dumb was it to bestow this whole free will thing? Talk about huge mistakes. A case can be made for ignorant bliss. Much less turmoil would exist throughout the world if all the crazy ideas out there were not allowed to penetrate our minds. We now have way too much latitude in our thinking.
What about all the different races in the world? God couldn’t have created us all to be some neutral color with similar features? It’s his fault that racism exists. Think about it. How about the hundreds of thousands of lives taken in the name of the Lord? The Crusades, the Salem Witch Trials, and countless other examples of man’s inhumanity to man stand out as examples of how God may have improved the condition of man. All these religions that killed in the name of their respective Gods could have been avoided if God had just created one religion adhered to by all. Oops, I had a momentary lapse, caused by free will, abandoning levity to make the point.
I can recall a day in Phoenix in 1990 that the thermometer hit 122 degrees Fahrenheit. Forget dry heat. At 122 degrees you have already experienced hell. In 1983 in Vostok Station, Antarctica (where researchers live) the temperature plummeted to an unbelievable minus128.56 degrees Fahrenheit. An environmental Camelot creation shouldn’t have been so tough to do considering God’s talents are way better than that of the great and wonderful Oz. I should think a year-around range of temperatures should be like 65 degrees for a low and a high of 75 degrees. Flooding allowed? No. Only light rain for a couple of hours at night, perhaps three times a week should be perfect to maintain that ecosystem. Ice flows that wreak havoc? No. Volcanoes? No. Tornadoes? No. Hurricanes? No. Lightening caused fires? No. Drought? No. Tidal waves? No. Mud slides and rock falls? No. See how my case is taking shape? I also see no need for sink holes, quick sand, wind shear, or humidity. I remind you that none of these are manmade catastrophes. By now you should know who owns the culpability.
Just think of all the work that could have been saved had all my suggestions been followed. For example, there would be no need for the ten commandments. All that work invested in carving those into stone…and with only rudimentary instruments to do that with. No need to build an ark. No messing with conversion tables to change cubits into working dimensions. A world under water? No. Don’t you wish Noah would have left cockroaches off the passenger list? At least he could have swept them all overboard. If these nasty critters are part of God’s creations you can see my point about God not having thought this through. I’m just sayn’.
The Animal kingdom:
Naturally I feel that animals should also have been a part of the recycle theory. Unfortunate result for the dung beetle and other little critters that rely on coprophagia. Collateral damage, I guess. Who would really cry over the dung beetle’s extinction?
I mentioned man’s inhumanity to man earlier. Well, the same holds true for animals. Predator and prey is a concept that shouldn’t be a part of our lexicon. Pretend for a moment you are a wildebeest in a throng of hundreds of these guys. You have to cross the river because the grass is greener on the other side. Or maybe you ate all the grass on your side already. In any case, you know from prior trips that crocs the size of motorhomes are lurking just under the surface. They want to eat you. Plain and simple. And although your odds of making it are good because of the sheer numbers in your party, it still scares the bejesus out of you. Similar scenarios are played out every day thousands of times. Lions chase zebras or gazelles or whatever the drive-thru window opportunity offers. Hyenas will eat any critter regardless if it is dead or not. The list goes on and on. Do we think orphaning a baby elephant or any other critter as a result of drought is a good plan? Let’s give God another chance to fix this. All animals should be herbivores. That way nobody gets hurt and no orphaned animals will die because mom didn’t last long enough to teach the skills to kill.
Nobody would ever have to pose the question…can’t we all just get along? I mentioned cockroaches but also consider how cool the world would be without ants, centipedes, black widow spiders, tarantulas, flies, mosquitos, and venomous anything.
What about Grizzly bears? Shouldn’t it be okay to hug them or their cubs? Let’s get the mean streak out of them. Same with the big cats. They look so cute and cuddly. And what’s up with the design of those monkeys whose bright pink butts can’t be ignored. You really can’t unsee that. Also, if you take your kids on safari (or even the zoo) and find animals willy-nilly mating in front of your kids, you shouldn’t have to explain that. How about taking out the hostility of these animals and replacing the trait with a sense of modesty? A small degree of decorum shouldn’t be too much to expect.
There is a possibility that I have been too critical. Making the world in six days is a pretty big task when you think about it. I just think another week or two should have been put aside to evaluate the Petrie dish before deciding just to rest on day seven and calling it quits. Maybe making day seven a pit stop would have been more prudent. Thank God for a lot of our stuff. Room for improvement?
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